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The wiper relay for the intermittent function and/or the wiper switch are known issues. Of course wiring and connections need to be confirmed ........
If the immobilizer logo , a beetle in silhouette at the instrument cluster , is flashing while the the engine is running the immobilizer is indeed activated and will need attention.
As I recall the speedo can be removed without disturbing the dash itself. The instrument cluster has two (?) attaching screws at its base and can be removed as a unit. You may or may not have to recode the speedo and/or the immobilizer. Once you install the speedo if the engine starts and the speedo is accurate your probably done.....
The electrical portion of the ignition switch could be failing. Not at all uncommon.......
Check the wiring and connections at the battery and alternator. It is not uncommon for them to be loose. If all else is ok your alternator could be failing.....
The oil will float on the coolant in the reservoir. Use a suction bulb such as a Turkey Baster to suck it off the top of the liquid in the reservoir. If you have driven the vehicle it has mixed with the coolant so you may have to repeat the process after letting the vehicle sit awhile , i.e. overnight.
If I recall correctly the key remote simply locks/unlocks the doors.
No start could be the usual suspects starting with fuel pressure
Are you sure the Check Engine Light , amber light with an electric spark logo , is not on? It sounds like you are experiencing a misfire which would trigger the Check Engine Light display. If so you need to use a scan tool to determine needed repairs. Typical failures include coil packs. The scan tool will specify the cylinder(s) involved. The cruise light says "cruise" in , I believe , amber letters. If the cruise light is indeed on you should still scan the vehicle to see what's what.
Is your Passat equipped with the 1.8 Turbo motor ? If so check your oil level and oil pressure. An engine with low oil pressure becomes "loud" and may seize. It may restart , however the turbo itself could expire , causing a "no pick up" sensation. The reason I mention this is it is not an uncommon failure in this motor. The root problem revolves around the oil supply pick up becoming blocked with sludge.
Are you sure the parking lamps are not on ? Does everything work normally , headlamps/blinkers with the ignition on ?