You, my friend, need lots and lots of money. Yesireee, head gasket. That is the critical point where the oil and coolant are kept separate.
No oil in the engine.....not to worry. No oil means no lubrication which means new engine, which is what you were going to have to do anyway.
Those main bearings holding the crank in have got to be shot due to no oil. Coolant is a bad lubricator. Main Bearings shot=new engine also.
Coffee + cream, only thing left to do is go to Starbucks and see if you can set up some advertising gimmick. Maybe they're next to the BMW shop!